Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Still gets me

I totally forgot about this video until today, and the ending still gets me.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My Idea

I have an idea for a great new reality show: Husband Hunters.  It will chronicle the lives and exploits of “those girls”.  Everyone knows one: they come in many forms and disguises, but have one thing in common: they want to get married.  Preferably to a rich professional, but as they reach mid-to-late 20’s, they settle for anyone who will marry them.  Every aspect of their life revolves around finding a man to settle down with, at which point they can kick off their shoes and socks, get knocked up and never think another original thought again (assuming they had an original thought to begin with).

The most common form is the serial monogamist.  She is the girl that skips from one serious relationship to the next, and refuses to be alone.  Is she incapable of being alone?  Maybe, but we’ll never know if that’s true or not, because she never will be.  As soon as one relationship ends, she’s back on the husband hunt, going home with guys from bars, joining every online dating site possible and frequenting student lounges in male-dominated educational institutions.  She asks about every male friend you have: your roommates, your brothers and any classmates or acquaintances.  This girl is not so subtle, she’s always asking “Is he single?”  She’s fun and outgoing, having lots of friends in her brief bouts of being single.  But then she disappears into a relationship, never to be seen nor heard from again unless her current BF has a best friend she wants to set you up with or until the next breakup, at which time she resumes being fun and spending time with her girl friends.  Make sure you don’t get a boyfriend before her, though.  She will sabotage that shit.

The other common form is the high-maintenance husband hunter.  This is the girl that walks into your Math 110 class 6 minutes late every day with tons of makeup, big sunglasses, knee-high boots over skinny jeans and a giant purse, but carries no books and might even be wearing a bump-it to get super awesome volume out of her hair extensions.  This girl will walk into class late, talking on her cell phone, sit down next to the first decent-looking guy she sees, and asks him questions like “So what are you taking?  Pre-med?  No?  Ok see you later.” at which time she’ll move onto the next one.  These girls enroll at the university (or maybe aren’t students at all) just to hook a husband.   In the US, she’s likely part of a sorority.

Audrina Patridge is a good example of a husband hunter—why else would anyone date Ryan Cabrera?

This show would be awesome, someone is guaranteed to get pregnant on purpose to “save” a failing relationship.   And a few years later, they can move on to being “Real Housewives” of whatever city they happen to live in!

Actually, now that I think of it, I think this might be what The Hills was about…

Does one of these descriptions sound like you?  You can be on the show!  Or maybe you want to learn about husband hunting?  Good news, there’s a book for you to read! (http://www.buzzillions.com/reviews/men-secrets-ultimate-husband-hunter-how-attract-enjoy-dati-reviews)

Friday, March 11, 2011

Zap Collars for Classmates (or coworkers)

The way that my program is structured, it works out that I am in class with the same 20 women for 40 hours every week.  We work in lab groups, we have classes together, we eat lunch together, a few weeks ago, I think all of our monthly cycles synched up (ew, not really).  It’s a lot of time spent together, anyway.
As we all know, my tolerance for humans runs on the low to dangerously-low end of the spectrum.  I get sick of people quickly, and it’s a new and exciting thing when I find someone who doesn’t aggravate the hell out of me after 3 hours spent together.  Anyway, since August, I have spent every weekday with these girls, and I’m way past sick of it.  I’m having a pretty severe reaction to a fair number of them.  Yes, the majority of my classmates anger me to no end.  I’m sure no one is surprised.  And since I despise it when people complain without bothering to offer a solution, I have one.
I need zap collars for some of these girls, like people use for yappy dogs.  Hear me out, the behaviours I have in interest in curbing are reasonable: stupid questions, know-it-all attitudes (particularly when she doesn’t ACTUALLY know it), interrupting others, memorizing and regurgitating things without actually understanding them, bossing around instructors, bossing around peers, talking too loud in class, texting incessantly, telling a stupid story, telling an irrelevant story, asking underhanded and judgmental questions, bragging about money, being na├»ve, being a baby, complaining about problems without trying to solve them, blurring the lines between instructor and friend, etc.  Here’s how it works:
“So <instructor’s name>, what are you doing this weekend?”  Inappropriate!

“Instructor, come over here.”
”Instructor, turn the lights on.”
”Instructor, are you sure what you’re saying is correct?”
”Giggle giggle giggle”
Bossy bratty little bitch!
“Do we need to know this?  Is this on the test?” Stupid question!
Know it all!
“I hate this.  This is so dumb and it’s not working.”
Jacquie: “How should we fix it?”
”I don’t know.  Did you do what the textbook says?” Stupid and not helpful!
“One time I saw on a movie blah blah blah” Irrelevant and waste of my time!
Interrupting others?
After a while, of course, the collar wouldn’t administer electric shock, it would just make a buzzing noise, to remind the individual that they were still doing the undesirable activity that Jacquie (and any other reasonable person) hates.  Until the behaviour had been adequately diminished, ideally, cured.