Sunday, December 1, 2013

Classic Tales from On Off-Broadway

Yesterday I was minding my own business, shopping for a dress for the Christmas party and I overheard THE most typically hipster conversation I have ever heard in real life.  I am working on the assumption that this conversation was taking place unironically because it came about very organically.

Two guys wearing the iconic hipster glasses
and one holding a brandless coffee cup and wearing one of those toques that look like a sloppy foreskin on the back of your head

were asked by the sales girl where they had purchased their delightful coffee drink.  Actually, first she asked if it was tea, and she barely managed to mask her disappointment when she heard it was NOT tea from the locally owned tea shop ("It's locally owned, you know.").  But he quickly recovered her hipster respect when he told her it was BLACK coffee.  BLACK coffee from the locally owned Broadway Roastery.  Then she said something about a good hazelnut coffee they have there--and he went off.  Don't even get him started on all those flavored creamers.  Or flavored COFFEES for that matter.  Because, as far has he's concerned, if you have to add cream and sugar to your coffee, you shouldn't be drinking coffee at all because you can't appreciate it, or that is BAD coffee.

On its own, that part was fine, I expected it would end there, there are some very passionate black coffee drinkers out there, I get it.  I feel a lot of feelings for drinking Guinness.  But then Toque-ster started talking about his trip to Costa Rica which of course led the entire group of them to an anti-Tim-Horton's rant.

"When I was in Costa Rica, (probably at an all inclusive) I learned SO much about what good coffee ACTUALLY is.  Now I can't even drink Tim Horton's, even though before I went to Costa Rica I would crave a Timmie's, like, every day.  But now I can't even handle it, I hate it."

Ok, let me stop you right there, Toque-ster.  This doesn't make me respect your taste in coffee, all this shows me is how impressionable you are.  You went from loving something to vehemently hating it.  And only in the case of ex-lovers is this permitted.

A few minutes later, when it seemed safe, I navigated the hipster cluster to approach the till to pay and a Tim's card fell out of my wallet.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Tis the Season

Now that temperatures have plummeted below -15 and stayed there, I feel it necessary to bring this up, because it's driving me batty:
The wind chill has no effect on whether or not to plug in your vehicle.

Every night on the news they say, "It's -15 outside, feels like -27 with the wind chill.  Bundle up and plug in your vehicles!"
No.
Your engine will only cool off to the ambient air temperature and then stay there.  The wind chill will not make your engine "feel like -27".  It's easy to remember if you just realize that engines don't feel.

Further reading here if you don't believe me.

The more you know.

Oh... but it's ok if you bundle up.  It's effing cold up in this bitch!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Why wouldn't you want to work in retail?

5:50 pm. Customer enters the store. Liz is on greeting duty.

Liz: "Hi there, just to let you know we're closing in about 10 minutes."
Customer: "You guys close at 6?"
Liz: "Yes we do."
[Now disgruntled] Customer: "Well some people are just getting off work right now."
Jacquie thinks: "Yeah, us. We are just getting off work because the store is closed, motherfucker."

Saturday, April 14, 2012

"News"

Dear "News" "Reporters",

I don't care what randoms tweet about current events. If I cared about what people posted on Twitter, I would sign up for a Twitter account.
Stop being lazy sons of bitches and do some of your own reporting. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Regards,

Jacquie

Monday, April 9, 2012

Open Letter

Dear Food Service Workers,

If I'm waiting for you to finish wrapping my wrap, and the only piece of conversation you can come up with is "It's hot out today." (It was +7), save that stupidity for the next guy; I'd rather have the awkward silence.

Thanks,

Jacquie

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Sports Fans

Smarten up.  The riots in Vancouver this evening following the Canuck’s loss in the Stanley Cup final scares the living shit out of me.  People who get so riled up that they will become angry and destructive over something as trivial as a hockey game worries me.  Cities that pull this shit should have their team taken away. This is total stupidity and is actually quite scary, seeing what people will do over a shiny cup and a stupid game.  To quote a friend of mine, Steven F, “The Vancouver riots prove that average intelligence in the population is at a record setting low.”

How does a hockey team losing affect your daily life?  Is the sun going to fail to rise?  Are you going to lose your job, your home or your family?  In case you’re a hockey fan and are therefore too dumb to know the answer: NO, YOU’RE NOT.  This kind of sports fanaticism bewilders me, and the mob mentality terrifies me.  Protest when the government destroys your freedom.  Protest when something meaningful happens or your basic needs are threatened.  But when your hockey team loses, just go home and cry.

Grow up, assholes.  This is seriously embarrassing.  Care passionately about something that MATTERS.  Oh, and stop blaming the goalie.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Still gets me


I totally forgot about this video until today, and the ending still gets me.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My Idea

I have an idea for a great new reality show: Husband Hunters.  It will chronicle the lives and exploits of “those girls”.  Everyone knows one: they come in many forms and disguises, but have one thing in common: they want to get married.  Preferably to a rich professional, but as they reach mid-to-late 20’s, they settle for anyone who will marry them.  Every aspect of their life revolves around finding a man to settle down with, at which point they can kick off their shoes and socks, get knocked up and never think another original thought again (assuming they had an original thought to begin with).

The most common form is the serial monogamist.  She is the girl that skips from one serious relationship to the next, and refuses to be alone.  Is she incapable of being alone?  Maybe, but we’ll never know if that’s true or not, because she never will be.  As soon as one relationship ends, she’s back on the husband hunt, going home with guys from bars, joining every online dating site possible and frequenting student lounges in male-dominated educational institutions.  She asks about every male friend you have: your roommates, your brothers and any classmates or acquaintances.  This girl is not so subtle, she’s always asking “Is he single?”  She’s fun and outgoing, having lots of friends in her brief bouts of being single.  But then she disappears into a relationship, never to be seen nor heard from again unless her current BF has a best friend she wants to set you up with or until the next breakup, at which time she resumes being fun and spending time with her girl friends.  Make sure you don’t get a boyfriend before her, though.  She will sabotage that shit.

The other common form is the high-maintenance husband hunter.  This is the girl that walks into your Math 110 class 6 minutes late every day with tons of makeup, big sunglasses, knee-high boots over skinny jeans and a giant purse, but carries no books and might even be wearing a bump-it to get super awesome volume out of her hair extensions.  This girl will walk into class late, talking on her cell phone, sit down next to the first decent-looking guy she sees, and asks him questions like “So what are you taking?  Pre-med?  No?  Ok see you later.” at which time she’ll move onto the next one.  These girls enroll at the university (or maybe aren’t students at all) just to hook a husband.   In the US, she’s likely part of a sorority.

Audrina Patridge is a good example of a husband hunter—why else would anyone date Ryan Cabrera?

This show would be awesome, someone is guaranteed to get pregnant on purpose to “save” a failing relationship.   And a few years later, they can move on to being “Real Housewives” of whatever city they happen to live in!

Actually, now that I think of it, I think this might be what The Hills was about…


Does one of these descriptions sound like you?  You can be on the show!  Or maybe you want to learn about husband hunting?  Good news, there’s a book for you to read! (http://www.buzzillions.com/reviews/men-secrets-ultimate-husband-hunter-how-attract-enjoy-dati-reviews)

Friday, March 11, 2011

Zap Collars for Classmates (or coworkers)

The way that my program is structured, it works out that I am in class with the same 20 women for 40 hours every week.  We work in lab groups, we have classes together, we eat lunch together, a few weeks ago, I think all of our monthly cycles synched up (ew, not really).  It’s a lot of time spent together, anyway.
As we all know, my tolerance for humans runs on the low to dangerously-low end of the spectrum.  I get sick of people quickly, and it’s a new and exciting thing when I find someone who doesn’t aggravate the hell out of me after 3 hours spent together.  Anyway, since August, I have spent every weekday with these girls, and I’m way past sick of it.  I’m having a pretty severe reaction to a fair number of them.  Yes, the majority of my classmates anger me to no end.  I’m sure no one is surprised.  And since I despise it when people complain without bothering to offer a solution, I have one.
I need zap collars for some of these girls, like people use for yappy dogs.  Hear me out, the behaviours I have in interest in curbing are reasonable: stupid questions, know-it-all attitudes (particularly when she doesn’t ACTUALLY know it), interrupting others, memorizing and regurgitating things without actually understanding them, bossing around instructors, bossing around peers, talking too loud in class, texting incessantly, telling a stupid story, telling an irrelevant story, asking underhanded and judgmental questions, bragging about money, being na├»ve, being a baby, complaining about problems without trying to solve them, blurring the lines between instructor and friend, etc.  Here’s how it works:
“So <instructor’s name>, what are you doing this weekend?”  Inappropriate!
zap

“Instructor, come over here.”
”Instructor, turn the lights on.”
”Instructor, are you sure what you’re saying is correct?”
”Giggle giggle giggle”
Bossy bratty little bitch!
                                                    zapzap
“Do we need to know this?  Is this on the test?” Stupid question!
zap
Know it all!
                                      zap
“I hate this.  This is so dumb and it’s not working.”
Jacquie: “How should we fix it?”
”I don’t know.  Did you do what the textbook says?” Stupid and not helpful!
zap
“One time I saw on a movie blah blah blah” Irrelevant and waste of my time!
zap
Interrupting others?
zap
After a while, of course, the collar wouldn’t administer electric shock, it would just make a buzzing noise, to remind the individual that they were still doing the undesirable activity that Jacquie (and any other reasonable person) hates.  Until the behaviour had been adequately diminished, ideally, cured.