Friday, March 11, 2011

Zap Collars for Classmates (or coworkers)

The way that my program is structured, it works out that I am in class with the same 20 women for 40 hours every week.  We work in lab groups, we have classes together, we eat lunch together, a few weeks ago, I think all of our monthly cycles synched up (ew, not really).  It’s a lot of time spent together, anyway.
As we all know, my tolerance for humans runs on the low to dangerously-low end of the spectrum.  I get sick of people quickly, and it’s a new and exciting thing when I find someone who doesn’t aggravate the hell out of me after 3 hours spent together.  Anyway, since August, I have spent every weekday with these girls, and I’m way past sick of it.  I’m having a pretty severe reaction to a fair number of them.  Yes, the majority of my classmates anger me to no end.  I’m sure no one is surprised.  And since I despise it when people complain without bothering to offer a solution, I have one.
I need zap collars for some of these girls, like people use for yappy dogs.  Hear me out, the behaviours I have in interest in curbing are reasonable: stupid questions, know-it-all attitudes (particularly when she doesn’t ACTUALLY know it), interrupting others, memorizing and regurgitating things without actually understanding them, bossing around instructors, bossing around peers, talking too loud in class, texting incessantly, telling a stupid story, telling an irrelevant story, asking underhanded and judgmental questions, bragging about money, being naïve, being a baby, complaining about problems without trying to solve them, blurring the lines between instructor and friend, etc.  Here’s how it works:
“So <instructor’s name>, what are you doing this weekend?”  Inappropriate!
zap

“Instructor, come over here.”
”Instructor, turn the lights on.”
”Instructor, are you sure what you’re saying is correct?”
”Giggle giggle giggle”
Bossy bratty little bitch!
                                                    zapzap
“Do we need to know this?  Is this on the test?” Stupid question!
zap
Know it all!
                                      zap
“I hate this.  This is so dumb and it’s not working.”
Jacquie: “How should we fix it?”
”I don’t know.  Did you do what the textbook says?” Stupid and not helpful!
zap
“One time I saw on a movie blah blah blah” Irrelevant and waste of my time!
zap
Interrupting others?
zap
After a while, of course, the collar wouldn’t administer electric shock, it would just make a buzzing noise, to remind the individual that they were still doing the undesirable activity that Jacquie (and any other reasonable person) hates.  Until the behaviour had been adequately diminished, ideally, cured. 

4 comments:

M.C. said...

But what if, after a while, they came to like the sensation? Or just get used to it like the water temperature in a hot tub? Perhaps, instead, a severe public flogging is in order. Hmmm, or they get just give you money. You know, pay for the right to be incompetent and annoying? Like a stupid person tax.

Dylan Laine said...

LOL! Oh Jacquie, What a simply marvellous post this is... If only that were true!!! I could use this on a regular basis!!!!!

Lojo said...

How about we go with an actual electric shock, instead? I think pain is a necessary element in conditioning these reTARDS.

My old boss, Stone Face, suggested that for a work function we organize a game of taser tag. Obviously I supported that suggestion, and it would have been a work function that I actually would have attended.

deedub said...

Could also nuke some ovaries for the particularly annoying candidates