The corn-on-the-cob wars rage on between my fruit stand and the “Cherries” shack across the parking lot. We are totally winning with our $5/dozen corn, but when I run out of it, bad things happen. When Confederites come looking for their cheap corn and I am sold out, they lose their fucking minds. To try to limit interaction with these belligerent asshats, I’ve been experimenting with my signage. If these people can somehow KNOW that I have no corn, they can stop coming by my stand.
Originally, I was instructed to just leave the sign as is, since our corn, according to Glen, would “be $5/dozen until the end of time.” But when I do that, people walk up and announce, “I will take 3 dozen corn”. What people do with 36 cobs of corn, I have no idea. Then I have to break the bad news and suffer through numerous scowls, glares, huffs, profanities, stalk-offs and a surprising number of “Take down your damn sign” comments, and other similarly helpful suggestions. And they’re right, I should just take the sign down, but it’s a huge pain in the ass to do, so I tried simply taking down the “5” from its magnet:
After doing so, I truly felt that the altered sign illustrated my point. The black rectangle accurately represented the empty void in my cooler where cheap corn ought to be.
This action made a bad situation worse. Now, people are running up excitedly asking me, “Is your corn $1 per dozen?!?!?!”
a) In what world is that big rectangle the number one? Even from a distance?
2) How could anyone running a business possibly sell corn for $1/dozen?
c) What is with Confederites and their corn? It’s not even that good for you!
So clearly this had to change, the simple removing of a 5 was not the winning move that would grant me relief from these people. Something must be possible to make this no-corn concept less abstract and more easily understood. So I make this little sign:
There shall be no more confusion now, there could not possibly be. I am so proud of myself for having this idea, that I buy and eat two Kit Kats.
Again, I was wrong. Time after time this summer, I have underestimated both the sheer stupidity of humans and the love that Confederites have for their ridiculously cheap corn. The rest of that day, I still had more than half a dozen people come that day with some kind of request for either the price of my corn or a bag of the corn itself. Really?