Thursday, July 29, 2010


So on Wednesday, AS I was writing the last post (Signs are ineffective if your customers can’t read), recalling all my asshole customers, I was thanking Raptor Jesus for my available corn that day.  Today was going to be a fine day, everyone could have corn, everyone would be so happy. 

Then, an older man walks up, “Show me some of that corn you got on for $5/dozen.”  At this point, I think everyone already knows that this interaction isn’t going to go well.  Perhaps because I’m already on edge from recounting the previous day’s corn-horrors, and now this ornery old fuck with poor sentence structure walks up and starts ordering me around without so much as a ‘please’.  (Which we all know I cannot stand.)

archie bunker So I begrudgingly hand him a cob of my corn (freshly received the night before), wondering several things as I watch him with the cob.  How picky can someone be when the price is so low?  Is he some sort of corn expert that knows quality by inspecting the exterior of the corn?  I watched my boss eat the better part of a RAW cob on Tuesday evening (Yeah, raw).  It can’t be  substandard.  But Archie Bunker would have none of this corn, it was not good enough for him.

Archie Bunker: “This corn is OLD.  And MOULDY!”
Me: “Old?  No, we got it last night.”
Archie: “That’s a lie, this corn is old.  Smell how mouldy it is.  Look at the silk on the end, it’s rotten.  It’s supposed to be green.”
Me: “It smells like corn.” (Why am I participating in this conversation?)
Archie: “That’s mould you smell.  I don’t want any of your old, mouldy corn.”
I couldn’t help myself, after all the garbage these people have put me through over corn, I can’t take it anymore.  Not to mention it’s Wednesday, and I’m on hour 30-something of my work week already.
Me: “Well no one’s holding a gun to your head, walk away, don’t buy the corn!”
At this point, I promptly grabbed the corn, put it back in the basket and storm out of the stand and around the corner to avoid a physical outburst as well.

This is the second time this summer that I’ve been accused of being a liar by a customer, and such accusations sting.  I am nothing if not honest, perhaps even to a fault.  Not to mention, why would I lie?  What could I possibly gain?  The customer is going to go home, eat what they bought and find out the truth anyway, and then probably never return.  Besides, I don’t give two shits if he buys the corn.  I know by now if he doesn’t, somebody else will.  And calling me a liar is even worse than calling me “princess”.  No, not me, never.

Fuck that guy.

I think the worst part about all these terrible people of the corn is that I don’t understand it.  I would understand completely if people were flipping their lids because I was out of cherries.  Cherries are good for you and they’re only tasty and available about 6 weeks out of the year.  But corn?  Eating corn off any cob that wasn’t picked within the last hour is no better than eating a bunch of frozen niblets.  Buying up all the corn we have shipped in from Georgia is probably worse than if you just bought a bag of niblets, and it’s a lot less work.  And from what I understand, it’s not even very good for you, all vegies considered.  I’m so over corn.

On the plus side, my shack has a cherry-loving gopher that visits me every day:


p_00276 Aww….

Kudos to Dwayne for the Raptor Jesus Photoshop.


Johnny Senglow, esq. said...

and yet I have no idea why people shoot gophers

Lojo said...

I read this post last night while at work and laughed so hard when I saw the picture of Jesus Raptor with the corn.

Yes Dwayne, thank you. And thank you for posting it, Cat-Robot. Made my whole fucking day.

Whiteheads: definitely not my favorite demographic.

That Gopher is awesome. What did you name him?

Dylan Laine said...