Monday, June 14, 2010

How to…

Spot a douche bag.

brody_jenner I’m sure we’re all familiar with the standard traits of the average douche bag: popping the collars of their Lacoste polo shirts, the inability to look good in aviator sunglasses, vacant eyes, frequenting Earl’s and general obnoxiousness, but in the last week, I have put in many hours of very serious people-watching. And I have done this people watching in some prime Saskatoon locations: 8th Street and Confederation Park. Believe it or not, the majority of Saskatoon douche bags are in the 8th street area. In this time, I have detected several other helpful douche-indicators. The first is one that I have known for a long time, and those that know me well, have heard my theory on the subject many times. I am convinced that the distance of a guy’s hat from his eyebrows is DIRECTLY related to his IQ. Learning this subtle sign will help you detect and avoid both giant D-bags and the minor-league ones as well.

Now it’s worth noting that there is an optimum hat-wearing height (hat could be a fedora (in the case of Joey Jeremiah or a Jonas brother), a ball cap, a toque, etc). If the hat is at or near the optimum location, one can be reasonably confident that they are dealing with a normal dude of at least average intelligence. But, as the hat migrates down to (and in some cases OVER TOP OF) the eyebrows or higher up the forehead, beware: that guy is a douche. Here is an illustration to help you see what I mean:

Luckily, Duff Goldman, the number two Food Network douche bag (No. 1, see: Guy Fieri), supplies examples in both the “hat too low” and “hat worn too high” department. Look and learn.

hat too high

hat too low

Now that we see how NOT to wear a hat, let’s see an example of a successfully placed hat:

perfect Perfection. We can rest assured that this guy is NOT a douche.

In addition to the complicated hat-wearing rule, there are several other indicators that have I observed. The existence of one or more of these traits or actions essentially guarantees a male douche bag status:

  • driving a jacked up truck
  • driving a jacked up truck… shirtless
  • having a tribal arm-band tattoo (often said tattoo will only go 1/2 or 2/3 of the way around the upper arm)
  • “cruising 8th”
  • “cruising 8th” and yelling “YEAH CHERRIES” at a fruit stand
  • hanging out in the Zeller’s or London Drugs parking lot with the hood of your car up with all your friends and their shitty cars, honking horns, revving engines, playing AKON or Kanye West and generally carrying on, doing nothing illegal, but nothing cool either.
  • doing anything in public shirtless
  • slacklining excessively in parks between games of (probably shirtless) Ultimate Frisbee
  • wearing a helmet and motorcycle jacket with matching colours to your motorbike
  • cat-walking your crotch rocket
  • wearing a T-shirt and jeans while driving your crotch rocket
  • owning a crotch rocket
  • “souping up” your Sunfire (or Pontiac GT), Cavalier (or Cobalt), Neon (Dodge SX), Civic, etc
  • owning/driving a Mustang built after 1970
  • “muscle shirts” (may also indicate white trash)
  • “spinner rims” (may also indicate a wigger)
  • working in a golf shop

All of these on their own are excellent signs that you are in the presence of a potentially giant D-bag, but I have witnessed what I deem to be the ultimate in douchebaggery jus this week":
A 20-something guy driving an aqua-colored I-ROC, wearing mirrored lens Oakley sunglasses and blasting Evanescence.


Vroom vroom! Ouch.

Please share your own personal experiences with douche bags--especially if you dated one.


Lojo said...

Ooooohhh, once I get home and have an internet connection that actually works, I am going to have to challenge you on some of these points. I think you've covered about five different and very diverse stereotypes in this analysis. Unless, of course, your point is that 90% of men are douche bags. Which I am not necessarily arguing.

twitch said...

I group jocks in with douche bags, and about 90% of men as well, haha. The hat theory is unchallengeable though, it has proven itself for years and years.

terriannep said...

In my experience, these are the douche bag 'tells' I'm come to know:

1) Wears head to toe white, including white sweatpants, white sweatshirt, and white sneakers.

2) Wears socks with sandals. Probably also indicates that the guy is a rapist or pedophile.

3) Has a nickname such as "The Situation."

4) Is from Tunisia and lives in Europe.

Is that last point racist?

Lojo said...

Terri: Mwuahaha! I particularly enjoy #2.

Jacquie: You're so right-- jocks are a subcategory found within the larger douche bag population. I love this topic! I think I am going to do a response blog entry. This is the blogging inspiration I've been seeking for at least a week. Nothing motivates me more than making fun of Douches.

And as for the lifted trucks, no, I am not going to challenge you on that point. It's undeniable.

Chandra said...

I came onto your blog through Lojo and her douche bag post. I can't help but laugh about the "working in a golf shop".... is this through personal experience? Do you frequent Golf Town, you mention Saskatoon as your residence. If so I know a primo douchebag there.... would be ironic if you knew him!

And here I thought there were only lovely specimens like that in good old Cowtown. Oh and what is with the white 80's Oakley's that guys think make them look "gnarly." Some things just never come back.

twitch said...

Hahaha, Golftown douches are like the king douches of douche island.
It's sort of from personal experience, although I don't frequent golf shops, I just feel that any guy over 25 who still thinks he's going to be the next Tiger Woods is an automatic Full Blown Douche. Give it up and get a real job.

Anonymous said...

Pooka shell necklaces.

twitch said...

I forgot to mention guys who wear t-shirts that say "Trust me, I'm a doctor" or shit like that, plus guys who wear UnderArmour everywhere they go.