Saturday, May 29, 2010

Hi, my name is Jacquie, and I watch The Hills…

That’s right.  I’ll admit it.  Just last month, I adopted a strange and embarrassing addiction: watching The Hills.  It all started innocently enough.  One afternoon I was watching MTV Cribs and realizing how lame and questionable daytime television is.  One by one, Meez and all 5 kittens piled on top of me on the couch.  22 minutes later, it was happening: an episode of The Hills.  Covered in kittens, I couldn’t reach the remote to change back to the Food Network.  I considered sitting up and reaching for the remote, but with six cats asleep like angels on my torso, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  (Similar situations lead to me watching an episode or two of Dr. Phil this past winter as well.)  So I resigned to watching the entire Hills episode… and the one that followed.  I later found out that these episodes I had seen were from Season 5, and that the entire season was available to watch on  So I watched them.  And I liked it.  Now every Tuesday night, I watch the newest episode and gush to my coworker Jamie about just how effing crazy Spencer and Heidi are.  Then I found out that Terri is a fan of the show, and she convinced me to watch the spin-off show about Whitney Port, The City.  So now I watch that too. 

I find both shows so fascinating, on several levels.  The first being the sheer bitchiness of the characters (both men AND women), and Terri described the phenomenon very well in her post "On Being a Bitch”.  I am also fascinated by their lifestyles.  Where do they get all their money?  What do they DO?  It’s all so empty and meaningless.  The show is terrible, I know that.  And probably mostly scripted and produced, like a higher budget version of The OC with less of Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows.  It’s pointless drama and super annoying, but it’s like a car wreck.  I just can’t look away.  Whether it’s Spencer and Heidi pushing everyone out of their life and buying up all the crystals in the land, or Stephanie getting DUI’s, or Brody being a giant D-bag, I can’t get enough of it.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I can get enough: 30 minutes every week is enough. 

Another selling point of The Hills is The After Show that follows it every week.  I just LOVE the hosts, and I often feel that I would make an excellent addition to their show.  All they do is point out Spencer_Pratt_arrives_8d20 (1) copyridiculous things in the show (super easy) and then judge everybody harshly.  I am excellent at both of these things.  I constantly see hilarious shit in the background of shows and I am SO GOOD at judging people harshly.  But this show makes it so easy: Just look at Spencer and Heidi and then try to NOT judge them harshly.  You can’t. They are so clearly crazy.  Look at his eyes. 







As I mentioned, I also watch The City.  This show is less relationship drama and more just plain frustrating.  Whitney annoys me constantly.  She has a weird “I’m so innocent” attitude about her, and is always ignoring the advice of her mentor/boss/my hero Kelly Cutrone.  I think she’s making some effort to show that she can make her own decisions, but it always ends up that Kelly was right and she should’ve listened.  Whitney brings her friend Roxy somewhere she doesn’t belong, and ends up looking really unprofessional and stupid.  Additionally, the bitchy backstabbing between Olivia and Erin at ELLE magazine is always entertaining, and as I mentioned before, Kelly Cutrone is fucking awesome.  Case and point:

Nice one, Kelly.  If that’s a book, I’m going to buy the shit out of it. 


Lojo said...

Finally I have someone to discuss The Hills with. FINALLY.

I haven't been keeping up with the last season or so of the Hills, and I've only watched the City up to episode 7, but I, too, am transfixed with the wonder these shows bring me-- questions like the ones that you've cited:

Where do these fuck heads get all their money?

How have these fuck heads gotten so many incredible opportunities? An internship at Vogue? Seriously? Wasn't Lauren a high school grad at the time? And you know what Whitney's background is? A BA in gender studies. GENDER STUDIES! Girlfriend should be running the night crew at Staples, dude!

Is #1 fuckhead, Spencer, a real person? Is his character largely molded by television producers, or do crazy douche bags like that actually exist?

How much are Spencer and Heidi Fuckhead getting paid to pretend they like each other?

How low is Heidi Fuckhead's IQ?

How old was Audrina Patridge when she got her boobie implants? Fourteen? And is that legal?

I am not shy about the girl crush I have on Whitney Port. She does have an "I'm so innocent" attitude about her, which is quite different than my usual girl crush types.

On a more positive note, I, too, dig Kelly Cutrone. Is she a lesbian? I think she is. Lesbians are always cool. Sigh.

terriannep said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
terriannep said...

This is from 2008, but this is what they used to get paid for each show, and I imagine its only gone up from there:

I wish I got paid to live my life and use my reality tv star status to get big breaks. That being said though, I genuinely like some of the characters, especially Whitney. I kind of like her "I'm so innocent" attitude, I find it refreshing that she just wants to be the nice girl and do right by her friends... if not her career. Although it looks like her fashion line is pretty successful, despite Roxy's weirdo hooker comments and other such shennanagins. And I *really* want Whitney's hair.

I love that you watch The Hills and The City now too. :) If you want to get really hardcore, go back and watch the original Laguna Beach! And yep, I think that is Kelly's book.

twitch said...

I think Spencer is seriously that deranged, just purely because he can't possibly be THAT good of an actor.

Dylan Laine said...

Oh No!