Lately I’ve had 8 hour shifts at work. Normally I can hide how sarcastic/hateful/weird I am from my coworkers and customers, because my shifts are usually only 4 or 5 hours long. After about the 4 hour mark, it becomes increasingly difficult for me to bite my tongue or keep my facial expressions friendly or even neutral. One of my bosses realized this quite soon after I started, so she never leaves me idle for more than a few hours, I almost always end up with a task, or working in the stock room (if I’m especially hostile). So after having a few long shifts, my coworkers are really starting to get a sense of the “real Jacquie” that my closest friends and family know (and love/hate). Of course, everyone is quick to point out my sarcastic and twisted sense of humour, but lately people have been noticing the part I try to hide. My hatefulness. The stock room coordinator was first to pick up on it, saying I was “full of hate”. But quickly he realized, despite being full of hate, I am excellent at what I do there. This quickly lead to my receipt of one of the all-time best compliments I have ever gotten: a comparison to Dr. House. Well, I compared myself, but everyone quickly agreed with me. Yes, I am a hateful jackass, but I am awesome, competent, entertaining and smart. He questioned my ability to love anything or anyone and then informed me that Spencer and Heidi Pratt’s marriage is ending. (That’s right, I have been secretly watching The Hills. Just Season 5 and all the new episodes. But that’s another post for another time, besides, this aside is more to out Dave for watching The Hills than it is to confess my own guilty pleasure.)
A lot of this comes back to apathy, which I’ve addressed before. I just don’t care about anything. I guess it’s normal to get to a point where you can cope with what life throws at you, without making it all seem dramatic and devastating, but a big part of it: I just don’t give a shit. About anything. But that’s not news; I’ve long since been aware of the fact that I don’t care and I hate a lot of things. Today I had another important realization about it, though. I do hate a lot of things, but I am consistently nice and helpful to people I like. When it comes to strangers and acquaintances, what niceness I have in reserve for them, comes in little bursts, and then lies dormant for a while. For example, I had to pack some dishes to ship to another city today. I spent 30 minutes wrapping, gathering the perfect sized boxes, bubble wrap, tape and styrofoam to pack the SHIT out of those dishes. I did an excellent job, so that a stranger wouldn’t receive 15 smashed plates. Also, I intend to keep my day off with the new job as Thursday, so that with this job, I can come in on Thursday mornings to help when we receive our stock truck. Look how nice I am! So that was my burst for strangers/acquaintances. Don’t expect another one for a while (unless I really really like you).
Quick thought: Matt’s car has no tint on the back windows. Today I realized how much of a bonus that is. Some asshole was tailgating me (really bad, I couldn’t even see his headlights and it was raining today, so it made me nervous). So I tapped the breaks a couple of times, hoping to send the message. When he didn’t back off, I gave him the finger. Put it up, plain as day, right up there in the back window. It was awesome. He quickly fell back and even changed lanes. Awesome.