Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Why Guy Fieri?

I have been saving this post for quite a while. Since Matt and I watch the Food Network almost constantly, leaving it only to catch House, The Office and Modern Family, the chefs on the network are basically our celebrities. Some people get excited about the goings-on in the life of one Robert Pattinson, while I get excited at the thought of eating in the restaurant of Masaharu Morimoto or eating Chipotle-anything made by Bobby Flay.
While I have a respect for most (even if I don’t love their personalities) I have developed a serious distaste for the host of “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives”. His name is Guy Fieri, and he is the definition of a douche. To be even more descriptive of what I observe him to be: it wouldn’t surprise me if he has a barbed-wire/tribal armband tattoo that only goes halfway around.

As if it wasn’t bad enough I had to deal with him on one show, he also has his own show: “Big Bite”. Here, he really amps up the chauch-factor with his sports-themed kitchen, stupid friends and all the camera close-ups on his tacky chunky rings. He frequently says things like “That’s money” and describes his style as “kulinary gangsta”. However, up until recently, Guy Fieri has been a nobody to the general public.

Here he is, reacting to someone’s [truthful] comment that bleaching your hair hasn’t been cool since 1997:

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He is now the host of NBC’s “Minute to Win it”. It’s a shitty show too, but STILL. Why him??? I want to know who thought this guy deserved not one, but MULTIPLE shows on MULTIPLE networks. Apparently he won some sort of “The Next Food Network Star” reality/elimination/game show to get his first show. But how? Who thought putting someone like him in front of a camera was a good idea? And then once he was given his own show, wouldn’t they give him a stylist? Might that stylist suggest NOT bleaching and spiking his hair? Might a stylist also suggest some clothes that fit and don’t make him look like the love child of a fat Don Johnson and a basketball player turned biker? Doesn’t he have a wife suggesting “Now that you’re in your 40’s, you might want to think about taking your earrings out and getting rid of the gawdy chains?” Can’t he be nominated for What not to Wear?? I just don’t understand how year after year, he gets a new show, but keeps looking like a fucking idiot in every single one.

Initially, I was very fired up that he was given ANOTHER show. But then I realized, now everyone will KNOW who Guy Fieri is, and they can join me on the side AGAINST Guy and his stupid short-sleeved dress shirts, tacky chains, bleached (AND SPIKED!) hair, sweatbands and general stuck-in-the-90’s-ness (and not in a good way). Let’s all nominate him for What Not to Wear and hope they do a “celebrity man-child” edition. You’re probably not yet convinced he deserves it. I’ll fix that:

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Yeah, you saw correctly, he’s wearing an ankle bracelet, like some kind of bad 90's porn star (were there any good ones??). I just wish I could find a picture of him with his shitty sunglasses on the back of his head. Case closed.

4 comments:

Loj said...

HAHAHAHA, God, I know. I KNOW!

Anonymous said...

You are soooooo right, he is so tacky, I wonder if anyone has ever told him how stupid he looks.

Anonymous said...

The fact that you wasted so much time writing a whole page on someone you dislike is really pathetic. But this is what the world is coming to. For someone who dislikes him, it seems that you think about him a lot. Idiot.

twitch said...

It didn't take that much time. Mostly I was bewildered at how he kept getting job after job on television, particularly on a channel I like to watch.

But you can fuck right off with him. Douche bag.