Hahahaha, I totally forgot about it until today, so I went back to see what my last post was. It’s funny how as much as things change, they still stay the same.
September 24, 2007
I've had such a shift in attitude; and it's not so much a complete changeover as I find I'm acting more on thoughts I'd had previously but managed to repress. I hate people, always have, likely always will. The thing that's suddenly different is that I avoid being around them at all costs now. I don't want to go out, I don't want to be involved at school anymore and I sure don't want to shop or leave my house. I've become a bit of a recluse, and it's not because I'm paranoid or because there's anything particularly entertaining at my house, it just bothers me to be around people at all.
I'm sick of plastering a smile on my face and feigning interest in 200 different peoples' stupid, identical, inane, and sickeningly boring lives.
I so badly want to disappear... There are about half a dozen people in my life that I actually feel like talking to or seeing, and the rest I could not care less about if I tried. This all sounds so depressing and even narcissistic but that's not even what it is anymore. It's more a situation of how gullible, stupid and ignorant the majority of people are has really gotten to me, and it puts me in a bad mood. I hate it when other people put me in a bad mood because it makes me feel out of control, the fact that they get to me so much. It's like I see people out and about and all of their actions make me wonder "Why? Why would someone act that way? Why would someone do that?" and I get very frustrated.
Sometimes it's like I'm the only one that notices things about other people. It's like I see these details and things that everyone else blocks out and it's staring me in the face all the time. I'm forever noticing things that others are oblivious to and it makes me crazy.
At first, I thought I lacked human emotion, but I realize now it's just that I lack empathy. I have feelings, I love kitties. I will almost always lie to avoid talking at length to someone that I'd rather not talk to.
That was nearly two years ago, and it’s like I’m reliving this entire thing AGAIN, but worse, because it’s Thailand and there’s no escaping Thais in Thailand. Seriously, Thailand lacks common sense even more than your average Saskatoonian. Sad, I know. Matt and I watched Ong Bak 2 a while ago and remarked at how, even though it was set in the 1400’s, it was like they just asked everyone to please turn off their cell phones and don’t ride their motorbike through the shot. Otherwise everything was EXACTLY the same. Now I don’t know if that’s just brutal historical accuracy on the filmmaker’s part, or if Thailand really is that fucking backwards. I’m a cog in the education system machine here, so my educated guess is leaning toward “Thailand really is that fucking backwards.”