Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Stupid Backpackers

Since coming to Thailand and spending time traveling around Southeast Asia, I came to dislike a certain group of people faster than ever before in my life:  Backpackers.  Stupid, dirty, smelly, noisy, greasy backpackers.  I have a few questions I’ve been meaning to ask them:

Why can’t you shower?
Why can’t you sit quietly on a bus?
Why do you sing with headphones on?
In what circumstance/country is it ok to dress like that? 
Do you realize homeless people dress/look/act better than you?
Why do you think I want to be your friend?
When was the last time you showered?
Can you smell your own feet?
Have you ever read a book that isn’t Lonely Planet?  Follow up: After you bought your Lonely Planet travel guide, did you read it?  Did you research the places you were going and what sort of visas you’d need to get there? 
Who do you think you are?
Why haven’t you showered?

I know it seems like I’m being a bit harsh on a group of rich kids from other countries who are trying to “find themselves”.  I’m all for “finding yourself” (whatever that means), but when it starts to really grate on three or four of my five senses, then I have a problem  And, if their parents knew they were just going to a different country to drink, be obnoxious and grab-ass with other greasy losers, would they still foot the bill?  I like to think they wouldn’t, but they probably would.  They probably want these stinky, good-for-nothing, unambitious, obnoxious, borderline alcoholic, sorry excuses for children out of their sight.

In closing, I’d like to provide you all with an example of what I generally have to deal with if I ever try to travel anywhere outside of our suburb.  This is a dirty backpacker at his finest and in his natural habitat.  I apologize for the poor quality of the photo, because although stupid, backpackers will react to camera flashes, lunging into frame with a giant beer and ridiculous facial expression.  It is for this reason one must be stealthy when photographing.  Hence, no flash.

gdbp copy Let’s notice first the idiotic hat.  Forget for one minute that it’s 35 fucking degrees out with 95% humidity (why do you even need a wool hat?) and focus on its ridiculous nature.  He’s not even wearing it right.  It’s only half on his head and hanging off the back.  Maybe it’s holding a bunch of his hair?  Don’t give him the benefit of the doubt, this fucker sat in front of us on the plane, he’s bald.

Now let’s take a good look at the stupid pants.  Gathered tightly at the ankles, and a crotch falling past the knees.  I don’t care how much of a vacation you’re on, this is supremely unacceptable.  Where does one even find ridiculous pants like this?  Is this some sort of joke?  I think he was trying to look like a local sporting these pants with flip flops.  An excellent attempt, except for the “Underarmour” wife-beater you’re wearing and the fake Louis Vuitton overnight bag you’ve packed as your carry-on.  Yes I noticed your tribal-artwork back piece and your super-original Koi-fish “half sleeve” (only on the top of the arm?  Bitch.) tattoos.  Could you be anymore of a walking cliché?   Could you possibly be more offensive to look at/smell/hear?

That being said, I’m always happy to leave the international travel circuit and come home to my Nadie and my Meezer.

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Meez-bot Extraordinaire

1 comment:

Lojo Beautiful said...

A roomy, absorbent seat and tapered ankles with leak guard protection:

A man diaper for every backpacking man baby.